At first glance, this week's topic may not seem like a very encouraging post, but it is one I am re-posting from a past blog writing simply because there is fact to be found in the subject of losing or ending friendships....and although this is a painful reality we may face in life from time-to-time, my hope is to encourage and bolster your faith and heart by sharing some wisdom in how to navigate through this difficult process.Principle #6 from the article "How to be a Good Friend" which I highlighted in a past blog, discussed the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation in friendship. Although reconciliation is certainly most desirable, it is also, in my opinion, not always possible. Because reconciliation requires a willingness of both parties to "own" and acknowledge the fault that caused pain and a breech in the relationship, that always makes reconciliation an option and not a guarantee....how then, do we respond and carry on when this is the case?
As many of us have probably gone through this painful process, I have learned from experience and now firmly believe, that there are "right" and "wrong" actions and viewpoints that can either make the process easier or more difficult...in other words, we can go about this in a way that either honors God or not...
Today, I'd like to share just a few of those points of view with you in the hope that those of you who find yourself contemplating or are in the midst of this process will be encouraged and perhaps even find a new way of "viewing" this difficult but important issue.
Let's first consider the idea that friendships are "seasonal" in nature....by that I mean, there are people who enter our lives who remain for a lifetime while there are others who are with us for a shorter span of time....I believe that as we consider friendships/relationships from this perspective, we may in fact, learn to hold more loosely to the people in our lives in the understanding that God has an ultimate plan for our lives, including our relationships, and the "length" of each of those relationships is no exception to that rule....Understand, holding folks "loosely" does not at all mean that we value them lightly....it simply means that we allow God room to add people and remove them from our lives as He sees fit....
I read a blog written by Natasha Richardson where she used the ministry relationship that existed between Paul and Barnabas as a perfect example of the "seasonal" nature of relationships....the book of Acts highlights their relationship and also highlights that by way of a disagreement (Chapt.15:36-41), they decided to part ways in their ministry efforts, and perhaps, even their friendship....scripture never clearly states that they ceased to interact, but it also does not say that they continued to interact either....
As I studied this portion of scripture and Natasha's blog more closely, there were a couple of points that God allowed to stand out and used to confirm that if we must part ways with someone, there is absolutely a right and wrong way to do so....
First, In keeping with the idea that friendships are seasonal in nature, we must remember to continually seek God for clarity and guidance in all of our friendships/relationships....Ms. Richardson states this well when she says that "It is important to discern the healthiness of a relationship; and whether or not God is drawing it to a close...I have heard it said, that we get into trouble trying to turn "seasonal people" into life-long partnerships...yet, because we love a person, have become attached and value the relationship, we do not want to let go, even when it is clear that we should do so...." (1)
Unfortunately, there are also occasions when friends may simply be chronically disagreeable; let us also not forget, as Ms. Richardson so aptly reminds us, "We are called to live at peace with one another, and if that is not possible, then we may have good cause to part ways." (2)
Secondly, as we consider that both Paul and Barnabas were Godly men who shared the same passion to share the gospel, we can glean from this that although they disagreed about how to go about completing their mission, they absolutely did not mean harm to one another.... in parting ways with others, we simply MUST hold fast to this premise...DO NO HARM... admittedly, this is often a difficult principle to follow as we are emotional beings who often feel the need to be vindicated. We can also become bitter and yield to the desire to tell our side of the story which is dangerous and a tactic that the Enemy of our souls loves to exploit because it often results in further divisions among other friends whenever we take that particular approach....not only that, but it can and does block the free-flow of our fellowship with God when we entertain bitterness and hold it in our hearts.....
In her blog, Ms. Richardson was quick to point out..."We do not have evidence that Paul or Barnabas did those things...I think that Paul could not have ministered as effectively as he did after this disagreement, had he harbored bitterness and resentment in his heart against Barnabas. When placed in a disbanding situation with a friend, I encourage you to speak the truth in love, then remain silent concerning the issue or only speak words that will uplift your friend, and finally, make a clean break.....Again, it is tough to follow these lessons because a period of grieving is sure to follow if you make the tough decision to part ways. Unfortunately, these lessons could also result in rumors and untruths being told and circulated about you. However, take comfort in knowing that if your friend meant evil against you, God knows it...and just as He knows the posture of their heart, He knows yours....therefore, if you have acted in a manner that is correct and honoring of your friend and have done the right thing, God will know that too." (3)
I reiterate, reconciliation should be and ultimately is the first course God would have us always seek to take, but when that possibility is not available to us, parting ways with integrity is of vital importance, it minimizes further damage to the parties involved in the friendship and may even allow for reconciliation to take place at a later date....most importantly, the point is for us to remain purposeful in honoring God and maintaining our witness of Him even when we find ourselves walking out one of life's most difficult situations....
For more encouragement, be sure to check in today over at http://holleygerth.com/ and also, be sure to join me for a special broadcast on Friday, March 21st at 10 AM EST via Life On The Grow Blog Talk Radio when I will be sharing/discussing this topic on the show! Praying you'll join me!
References 1, 2 and 3 excerpted from "Parting Ways" by Natasha Richardson August 4, 2010: Taken from Kyria.com: Kyria's Gifted for Leadership: Women Called To Ministry
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