Keeping God In Mind When Friendship Ends....

"Paul and Barnabas had such a serious argument about this that they separated and went different ways." Acts 15:39 a (NCV)






At first glance, this week's topic may not seem like a very encouraging post, but it is one I am re-posting from a past blog writing simply because there is fact to be found in the subject  of losing or ending friendships....and although this is a painful reality we may face in life from time-to-time, my hope is to encourage and bolster your faith and heart by sharing some wisdom in how to navigate through this difficult process.
Principle #6 from the article "How to be a Good Friend" which I highlighted in a past blog, discussed the importance of forgiveness and reconciliation in friendship. Although reconciliation is certainly most desirable, it is also, in my opinion, not always possible. Because reconciliation requires a willingness of both parties to "own" and acknowledge the fault that caused pain and a breech in the relationship, that always makes reconciliation an option and not a guarantee....how then, do we respond and carry on when this is the case?
As many of us have probably gone through this painful process, I have learned from experience and now firmly believe, that there are "right" and "wrong"  actions and viewpoints that can either make the process easier or more difficult...in other words, we can go about this in a way that either honors God or not...
Today, I'd like to share just a few of those points of view with you in the hope that those of you who find yourself contemplating or  are in the midst of this process will be encouraged and perhaps even find a new way of "viewing" this difficult but important issue.
Let's first consider the idea that friendships are "seasonal" in nature....by that I  mean, there are people who enter our lives who remain for a lifetime while there are others who are with us for a shorter span of time....I believe that as we consider friendships/relationships from this perspective, we may in fact, learn to hold more loosely to the people in our lives in the understanding that God has an ultimate plan for our lives, including our relationships, and the "length" of each of those relationships is no exception to that rule....Understand, holding folks "loosely" does not at all mean that we value them lightly....it simply means that we allow God room to add people and remove them from our lives as He sees fit....
I read a blog written by Natasha Richardson where she used the ministry relationship that existed between Paul and Barnabas as a perfect example of  the "seasonal" nature of relationships....the book of Acts highlights their relationship and also highlights that by way of a disagreement (Chapt.15:36-41), they decided to part ways in their ministry efforts, and perhaps, even their friendship....scripture never clearly states that they ceased to interact, but it also does not say that they continued to interact either....
As I studied this portion of scripture and Natasha's blog more closely, there were a couple of points that God allowed to stand out and used to confirm that if we must part ways with someone, there is absolutely a right and wrong way to do so....
First, In keeping with the idea that friendships are seasonal in nature, we must remember to continually seek God for clarity and guidance in all of our friendships/relationships....Ms. Richardson states this well when she says that "It is important to discern the healthiness of a relationship; and whether or not God is drawing it to a close...I have heard it said, that we get into trouble trying to turn "seasonal people" into life-long partnerships...yet, because we love a person, have become attached and value the relationship, we do not want to let go, even when it is clear that we should do so...." (1)
Unfortunately, there are also occasions when friends may simply be chronically disagreeable; let us also not forget, as Ms. Richardson so aptly reminds us, "We are called to live at peace with one another, and if that is not possible, then we may have good cause to part ways." (2)
Secondly, as we consider that both Paul and Barnabas were Godly men who shared the same passion to share the gospel, we can glean from this that although they disagreed about how to go about completing their mission, they absolutely did not mean harm to one another.... in parting ways with others, we simply MUST hold fast to this premise...DO NO HARM... admittedly, this is often a difficult principle to follow as we are emotional beings who often feel the need to be vindicated. We can also become bitter and yield to the desire to tell our side of the story which is dangerous and a tactic that the Enemy of our souls loves to exploit because it often results in further divisions among other friends whenever we take that particular approach....not only that, but it can and does block the free-flow of our fellowship with God when we entertain bitterness and hold it in our hearts.....
In her blog, Ms. Richardson was quick to point out..."We do not have evidence that Paul or Barnabas did those things...I think that Paul could not have ministered as effectively as he did after this disagreement, had he harbored bitterness and resentment in his heart against Barnabas. When placed in a disbanding situation with a friend, I encourage you to speak the truth in love, then remain silent concerning the issue or only speak words that will uplift your friend, and finally, make a clean break.....Again, it is tough to follow these lessons because a period of grieving is sure to follow if you make the tough decision to part ways. Unfortunately, these lessons could also result in rumors and untruths being told and circulated about you. However, take comfort in knowing that if your friend meant evil against you, God knows it...and just as He knows the posture of their heart, He knows yours....therefore, if you have acted in a manner that is correct and honoring of your friend and have done the right thing, God will know that too." (3)
I reiterate, reconciliation should be and ultimately is the first course God would have us always seek to take, but when that possibility is not available to us, parting ways with integrity is of vital importance, it minimizes further damage to the parties involved in the friendship and may even allow for reconciliation to take place at a later date....most importantly, the point is for us to remain purposeful in honoring God and maintaining our witness of Him even when we find ourselves walking out one of life's most difficult situations....

For more encouragement, be sure to check in today over at http://holleygerth.com/ and also, be sure to join me for a special broadcast on Friday, March 21st at 10 AM EST via Life On The Grow Blog Talk Radio when I will be sharing/discussing this topic on the show! Praying you'll join me!



References 1, 2 and 3 excerpted from "Parting Ways" by Natasha Richardson August 4, 2010: Taken from Kyria.com: Kyria's Gifted for Leadership: Women Called To Ministry

Uncommon Bonds:Sisterhood in Christ

1 Samuel 18:1 (NIV) "Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself."

For many years within my life, my friendships seemed to solely be based upon the season of life I happened to be in at the time and they also either succeeded or failed based on that same premise....by that I mean, whether I was in grade school, my adolescent years, early adulthood and even now into middle adulthood; the quality and health of my friendships always seemed to reflect the "mindset" that I held at that time in my life....
Unfortunately for many of those years, my idea of friendship was centered in generalities and surface relating...it seemed that within most of my relationships the tougher, meaner and "faster talking" you could be; the better off you were and the more respect you earned...naturally, those relationships often left me feeling wounded and worse yet, I often did my own fair share of wounding others!!! Needless to say, I've had many more failures in my relationships with other women than I've had successes.....
Thankfully,God, in His infinite grace, allowed over the years, a few of those rare people to cross my path who just seemed to know how to do friendship well...and in observing them, He whet my appetite and desire to follow their lead and learn how to become the type of friend that I desired to have....
In Beth Moore's study on the life of King David, I was encouraged and blessed to study the example of friendship that existed between Jonathan (son of King Saul) and David...theirs was nothing more or less than an absolutely beautiful example of Godly, Covenant friendship between 2 people. Taking a deeper look at the friendship shared between these 2 men, re-surged my desire to do friendship well and as I sought deeper study and prayer on the subject, God lead me to an article titled: "How to be a Good Friend" which was written by Dr.'s Les and Leslie Parrot, who are among other things, the Co-Directors of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University. In the article, they shared 10 powerful principles that may at first glance seem quite obvious, but just as we are often so careful to live preventive lives as it relates to our health and physical well-being, I feel strongly that a little remembrance and repetition can also go a very long way in proactively caring for and being good stewards of our friendships as well.....

Principle #1. Make Time- Make time for one another's significant life events, moments of crisis and for sharing the everyday, mundane moments of life.

Principle #2. Keeping a Secret/Confidence-We need to be able to share our confidences with people who are first and foremost trustworthy, and who consider it a privilege to hear what's on our minds and in our hearts.

Principle#3. Care Deeply-Make the effort to move beyond surface-level in your relationships...Expressing care involves both your head and heart and says "whatever happens to you happens to me."

Principle #4. Provide Space-Be careful never to become emotionally needy, smothering or overly engaged in friendship. This type of companionship quickly becomes oppressive and possessive; thereby hindering the free-flow of Godly relationship.

Principle #5. Speak The Truth-Honesty is a prerequisite for Godly friendship. There must be a willingness to speak the truth, and a willingness to hear the truth.

Principle #6. Forgive Faults-Every friend you have will eventually disappoint you. You can count on it. They are ordinary people. Lasting friendship depends on forgiveness. Some slights will need only be overlooked and forgotten; while others will require profound forgiveness. The friendship may not continue unless there is also reconciliation, which requires each party to own up to the truth of the fault and see the pain it caused.

Principle #7. Remain Faithful-Faithfulness is another evidence of healthy friendship. Friends do not desert you, even when you are in trouble, or when it costs them something to remain your friend.

Principle #8. Laugh Easily-Laughter keeps good friendships going once they're born.

Principle #9. Celebrate Successes- It is great to stick with friends in bad times, but sometimes the true test of a friend's staying power is in their ability to be supportive when things are going well. A good friend will genuinely be happy for you and rejoice with you.

Principle #10 Prayer-Prayer catapults Godly friendship into the deepest and highest work of the Spirit by involving God in the relationship and making all of the aforementioned principles do-able through Him. (1)

Please understand that I do not use this list as some legalistic set of checks and balances, but rather as a "gage" to remind myself of where I can perhaps do better and take greater care of the precious Sisters that God has grafted into my life....It is my prayer for each of us, and encouragement as well, that we might all remember and seek to incorporate these principles in the relationships that God has so lovingly and graciously bestowed upon us
"The Spirit of God sometimes cements two people together as part of His plan" (2) , this was certainly the case in the lives of Jonathan and King David... "They were uncommon friends joined by a common bond: The Spirit of God" (3)..... may we all be blessed to have at least one such friend during the course of this life....




1." How to be a Good Friend" Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot: Crosswalk.com/ Spiritual Life
2. "David: Seeking A Heart Like His" Beth Moore pg. 48, Lifeway Press 2010
3. "David Seeking A Heart Like His" Beth Moore pg. 48, Lifeway Press 2010

No Pedestals

Psalm 62:6-7  (NIV) "He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress...my mighty rock, my refuge."

I recently heard the title of today's blog used in a radio discussion segment on one of my favorite Christian radio stations....the phrase was used in reference to how society is often quick to place celebrities who profess faith in Christ on a pedestal and then become extremely disillusioned and disappointed when those same folks make mistakes and subsequently "fall from grace".... often, they will also use these unfortunate incidents as a further excuse for why, they themselves, resist going to church....by using the age-old expression..."Church is filled with hypocrites."
Well, let's just get it out in the open and say that they are absolutely right....church IS filled with a bunch of fallible people....and as long as we all remain human, imperfect and continue to live in a fallen, sinful world .....that will absolutely continue to be the case....In this world, Christians will never acquire the state of "sinlessness"...the one and only thing that we can expect in this life is that as we grow in our walk and relationship with Christ; we therefore mature and in the process, by the Power of His Holy Spirit, we simply begin to sin LESS.....we can become increasingly victorious over sin.... but sin is something we'll never completely outgrow...
Every Christian I know would be the very first to admit this and also tell you that they profess faith in Christ not because they've forgotten or overcome their imperfections, but because they are well-aware of them and their all encompassing need of a Savior.....we stand forgiven ONLY because of the work Christ accomplished through His death on the cross...nothing more and gratefully, nothing less....
Truly, the problem here is not that Christians are mistake-prone and imperfect, it's the fact that we often assign to people the glory that only God is worthy of in the first place....In the video taping of session 3 of Beth Moore's study on the life of King David, she gave what I believe to be one of the very best prescriptions/remedies for this problem when she simply said "You cannot expect of people what only God can deliver. People are worthy of our esteem, but only God is worthy of our exaltation....We can trust them to be people but we cannot trust them to be God." (1)
Yes, God does call leaders among His people, who are to be held to a higher standard of integrity and because of Whom they represent, their behavior should be above reproach and they should maintain their callings with great reverence....but how do we keep the proper perspective when those whom we serve with  fall short of their calling?....
We must first remember that the One and Only perfect Leader is Christ Himself and our eyes and hearts should ever be set on following His Word alone.....secondly, while we're charged by God to obey, esteem, support, pray for and treat with lovingkindness those earthly leaders which He appoints over us, we should never place upon them the burden of carrying the weight of God's glory....it is unfair to them and clearly unrealistic and immature on our part to do so....
So, the next time reports hit the airwaves of a professed Christian celebrity, church leader (or perhaps even someone you serve more closely with) having committed acts not worthy of their calling in Christ...instead of rushing to attitudes filled with disappointment and disillusionment leveled toward the entire Body of Christ....why not resort to the posture of prayer and greater support of those whom God has appointed to lead, shepherd  and walk alongside you???
Yes, there is and always will be a place for accountability and rebuke and unfortunately, there will always be some among us who are "wolves in sheep's clothing" who falsely profess to be vessels of God....but remember Beloved Friends, God is not mocked and that is why He gives us discernment through His Holy Spirit Who guides us into all Truth...but as for those who are genuine, yet  manage to stumble....let us put away the pedestals and remember that Only God is God.....



1. Beth Moore: "David: Seeking A Heart Like His": Session 3 Video presentation: Lifeway Press 2010

Have You Heard?

James 3: 5-6  (NIV)" Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire; and is itself set on fire by hell."

I recently read an article written by Dr. Charles Stanley, in which he discussed the harmful, often devastating effects of gossip....
Unfortunately, gossip is something we as a society have readily embraced as a favorite past time. Especially as it relates to the lives of many celebrities...after all, "Enquiring minds wanna know." Right????
Well, the Word of God would offer us a totally different perspective on this matter and it is one we would all be wise to take heed of....
If we were to take only a moment to be perfectly honest with ourselves before Almighty God, we could all truly say we have either been on the receiving end as a victim of gossip, or we have at one time or another been the perpetrators of it against someone else....I readily and freely admit, that God has called me away from associating with entire groups of individuals.....not because of THEIR behavior, but because of MY OWN when I was privy to their company....gossip was all too often the order of the day...and as we all know, the more of it we partake of; the more of it we become comfortable with and desensitized by....
In his article titled  "The Words of our Mouth..." Dr. Stanley used the above scripture reference from the book of James, in which the Apostle likens the destructive nature of the tongue to a fire that sets a forest ablaze leaving behind nothing but charred ruins in it's wake.....As we have very recently had raging wildfires here in NC that have left many thousands of acres of  forest land destroyed; the illustration from God's word rang ever more true for me...as much as for a remembrance of the hurtful effects of words of gossip which have been spoken against me;  but most and even more importantly, as a warning against the one's that I have carelessly spoken against others because.... "when we allow our words to become like flaming arrows against someone's reputation, they burn up all that is good and leave ruin in their wake." (1)
I'm sure many of us can relate to those friendships we've lost or had marred by the poison of gossip.... where despite your best efforts at reconciliation, things were never quite the same because of the damage that had been done by a few ill-thought words...All too often, we never stop to consider how gossip not only damages and harms the victim, but those who listen...."Since words by their very nature are influential, those who listen to gossip are also affected by it...few can hear negative comments and not let them shape our perception and feelings about others. Those who listen to rumors and criticism are allowing poison to enter their hearts and minds while opening the door to temptation to pass the news along to someone else." (2)
If for no other reason, God has quickened my spirit to guard my heart against gossip for this very cause and has placed within me a desire to pursue only those relationships where I (and those I interact with) are free to be vulnerable and transparent without fear of becoming the next subject of conversation.....Remember My Dear Friends, gossip not only endangers those who hear it and have it spoken about them, it snares the one who speaks it by revealing the character of their heart..."the inner character of those who gossip is always obvious to those with discernment. Gossips actually deprive themselves of good, healthy relationships and their friendships are limited because they've proven themselves untrustworthy through the words they speak...."(3)
What then, you may ask,  is the remedy for gossip? A changed heart....since words flow out of the abundance of the heart, changing the content of the heart, will also change the context of our words...."to be truly free from the sin of gossip, we require transformation from the inside out. And that is exactly what Christ specializes in doing. He can create in us new hearts which honor Him and comfort those who hear." (4) 
This battle will take daily confession as well as minute by minute awareness of what we are entertaining and expressing in and through our speech...it's not an easy fight to wage, and there will be days when we feel we've failed miserably.... nevertheless, it is a battle that God wants us to be absolutely victorious in!!! Trust Him and seek only Him...and....expect the gossip about you to increase as you seek to make this change!!! It's rather ironic that that should be the case, but if folks must talk, then Who better than Christ for them to accuse you of???




In Touch Magazine: May 2011; "Guarding Against Gossip: The Words of our Mouth" Written by Dr. Charles F. Stanley
Reference # 1: Pg. 6
Reference #2: Pg 9
Reference #3: Pg.9
Reference #4: Pg.10

Do You Know Who You Are?

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31:30 (NIV)

As I vacillated for a few days on the topic that I should write on this week, God "loudly" confirmed the direction that He had been coaxing me in after I read this Facebook post from a dear Sister In Christ (I share this post with her permission).....  "Is not impressed that my daughter wants ice for breakfast because one of the daycare workers at the gym had ice for their dinner...I hope this is more innocent than it sounds. Please ladies, step up to the plate and be a good example to our girls. They do not need to see us doing outlandish things like this or saying cruel things about our bodies. We need to show them the beauty of a healthy woman." (1)
You see, God has been reminding me for about 4 weeks now; of the complete and sheer importance of we, as women, knowing who we are in Him.....
We live in a world where fad diets and airbrushed photos of stunningly attractive women are clearly what's considered today's "beauty standard..." yet, every single woman I know, including myself, is often, in some way, shape or form, left feeling like she is far "less than" the images we are bombarded with and expected to keep pace with...
Do not get me wrong, I am not at all saying that seeking to maintain a balanced, healthy, fit, lifestyle is in any way a bad thing....it is absolutely good stewardship of our bodies for us to do just that....what I am saying though is...anything that swings to the opposite extreme of this premise is not good for us to accept as truth as my friend's FB post so clearly explains.....
Although I must admit that I need to take more seriously the importance of healthy living and good stewardship over my own body, one of the greatest life lessons God ever taught me was in showing me my identity in Him through His Holy Word. He taught me that although every Believer is gifted to serve Him, it's knowing who we are in Him that will sustain us for a lifetime of service on His behalf......every single one of us who professes faith in Christ as Daughter's of the Most High God, already possesses the certainty of these truths being applicable in each of our lives....
You may be wondering exactly what I am speaking of when I talk about our knowing who we are in Christ....well, in her latest Going Beyond Conference, Priscilla Shirer did a tremendous job of searching the word of God and writing out two whole pages of  "Identity Statements" in her conference guide that readily describe or tell something about each of us who are in Christ....the following are just a few examples.... (2)

1. I have been made complete in Christ. (Colossians 2:10)
2. I have been given a Spirit of Power, Love, and Self-Discipline. (2 Timothy 1:7)
3. I am assured that all things are working together for good. (Romans 8:28)
4. I have been adopted as God's child. (Ephesians 1:5)
5. I am a member of Christ's body. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
6. I cannot be separated from the love of God. (Romans 8:35)
7. I am completely forgiven. (Colossians 1:14)
8. I am the sweet fragrance of Christ to God. (2 Corinthians 2:15)
9. I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3)
10. I am Christ's Ambassador (2 Corinthians 5:20)    


Again, these are just a few of the truths/affirmations that tell us about who we are and what we possess in God through our Savior, Christ Jesus....My encouragement to each of you is that you would write these down, tape them on your bathroom mirrors so you can see them everyday as you get ready to make contact with the world, keep a copy in your purse or put them on your car dashboard.....keep them anywhere nearby so you can grab them and reaffirm them to yourself whenever the Enemy attacks with lies and "less than" statements concerning you and please, please.....don't forget to share them with your daughters and your friends because we're all in this thing together!!!  Lastly, and most importantly, continue to search His precious Word for yourself so that He will make His promises to you even more evident as you seek and fellowship with Him and begin to learn, perhaps for the first time ever, to see yourself through His eyes!!!
Remember Sweet Sisters, these truths outstretch positive thinking and far outlast our youth...they are solid and true promises spoken from the very mouth of God over and concerning each one of us!!! What a  wonderful foundation on which to build an awesome dose of good, healthy self-image!!!


1. Many Thanks to you Sara!!! Your words are timely and true and God certainly used them as an answer to prayer!!!

2. Going Beyond Life Interrupted Simulcast Guide; Pgs. 10-11; Priscilla Shirer/Lifeway-Women 2011